EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
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