woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
