The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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