I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
