I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
