My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
