the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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