How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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