if i can run in heels then i can drive
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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