he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
