his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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