he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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