So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I could make wine with my vomit
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
