saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
