Too much gin, very little bucket
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
sarcasm needs its own font
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
