just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
