I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Randomize
