After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
