we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
