the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
