I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
