omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
In other news, I just burned my penis
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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