that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
