remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
