I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
