Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
