Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
