i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
