Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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