oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
