I love black thongs
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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