she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize