but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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