the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
