How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
