kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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