I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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