the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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