Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
