the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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