Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
