Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
