he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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