I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize