that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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