I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
