u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
