I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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