Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
