Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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