If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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