I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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