today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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