It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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