Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
