I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
is that a dick in a sweater?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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