if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
