I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
