I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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