I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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