so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
