Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
be right there i have to get my cape
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
