im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
