That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
