besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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