Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
