I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I skipped work to stalk him.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
