I met the friendliest cop last night
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you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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